The Dandelion Slayer

He arrived on our front doorstep at high noon and rang the bell, his glistening white truck over his left shoulder. Decked out in a cap and khaki-green uniform, already tanned from head to toe, his teeth sparkled white and his eyes glinted slate blue. Our hero had arrived, The Dandelion Slayer.

Armed with a wealth of information and four hundred feet of hose, The Dandelion Slayer greeted us warmly and walked our property line with Jim to survey the extensive damage. Seemingly unfazed by the daunting task at hand, he returned to his truck and unfurled the hose that would deliver the lethal dose of chemicals to our shameful lawn.

And his timing could not have been more perfect, as the unseasonably hot and humid weather had only helped the dandelions multiply and grow more fertile, even after whacking their heads off with the lawn mower not three days before: They resisted with a vengeance, their headless stems standing defiantly straight and tall against the lower blades of living grass.

The killing fields ...

Within two hours of the application, the stems had already begun to wilt in the beating afternoon sun. Die, die, die. As Jim proudly surveyed the damage, he also took the time to apologize to a fellow neighbor who shares our property line. As he would be hosting his son’s sixteenth birthday party this weekend, we promised him the lawn would be cut prior to the party and look much less ghetto. Our neighbor laughed and joked that at least when it was yellow it was pretty.

A massive thunderstorm struck late Wednesday evening and helped the chemicals further penetrate the parched ground. We were warned that of course one round of treatment would not eliminate our problem, and we would not magically wake up the next day to find a fertile, lush lawn free of weeds. We explained in kind that anything would be an improvement, thank you, Dandelion Slayer.

As weed seeds can germinate every seven to ten days (the bastards), part of our responsibility would be to rake up and dispose of the offending browning corpses so they would not green back up to re-offend again and again and again.

Small victories...

By morning, our lawn looked like it was covered in dead beige skinny snakes, all coiled in mangled piles and curled-up groupings. I dutifully spent an hour aggressively raking/ripping at the lawn, bagging piles of dandelion remnants and sticker weed leaves. Five bags later (!) and the lawn (almost) resembled those of our neighbors.

So I leave you today with a few tips that were left behind on a note from the Dandelion Slayer, in addition to a puppy treat for our dog:

Summer Lawn Care Tips:

1) Start raising your mower in May so by mid-June your lawn is at least 3.5” long. This will help prevent the soil from drying out.

2) It sounds self-obvious, but if your lawn is not growing, do not mow it.

3) If you do plan to water your lawn, only do so early in the day (6:00 to 10:00 a.m.) or before sundown.

4) If you water, one or two good soakings a week (forty-five minutes to an hour) is better than a little each day, as it will promote a deeper root system.

Thank you, Dandelion Slayer, thank you!