The Last Diet You'll Ever Need...

I have discovered the most amazing diet program in the world. It is a collaborative effort between two people, and would demand great sacrifice on the part of the dieter and me, but I guarantee it will work.

In case no one has informed you yet, summer is just around the corner. And even though as I write this it is a mere thirty-three sunny degrees, I know shorts and bathing suit weather could literally be next week, as our weather has been so crazy lately.

But I digress: The miracle diet, coined the “Jimmy James” diet, is basic and straightforward. First, the dieter needs to move in to my home. Sorry, that’s the only way it is going to work. Second, the dieter will eat every meal seated next to my son, Jamie, until your ultimate weight loss goal is achieved.

How does this work, you ask? Funny enough, it actually starts with an innocent question from Jamie: “What are you eating?” Upon answering, he immediately follows-up with “Can I taste that?”  Translation: I will like it, and I will eat directly off your plate until the entire meal is gone, or you smack my hand with your spoon.

Even beverages are unsafe around this wily character, from pop to water to morning coffee. “Can I have a sip?” translates to “How much can I chug before you snag your can/glass/cup back?” If you don’t move quickly, your drink is gone.

This food exchange takes place at every meal in our home if more than one person is sitting at the kitchen table. Jamie, age 10, is 4’ 8” tall and currently wears a size 8 men’s shoe. Based on the knee pains he has been experiencing, his need for more sleep and a more than usual ravenous appetite, these growing pains normally lead to a marked growth spurt which will help his shoe size match his height.

Grandpa Bobby jokes that Jamie is like a garbage can – you step on his foot and his mouth opens for a snack, and we always remark how our Grandma B would be so proud that Jamie was such a ‘good eater.’

I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my own plate, but I do know that it is clean after every meal. I know Jim has started making a sandwich and a half every time he grabs a snack, just to save himself the time (and his snack).

Jamie’s standing story with us is that he is testing to make sure our food and drinks aren’t poisoned, because clever gypsies may have put something in them to cast an evil spell on our family. Then he takes a huge scoop of my yogurt or rice pudding and runs like the wind.

Like I said, it will be a sacrifice for the dieter, and it will mean we will have to take you in as a part-time resident. Moving in to Casa Dralle is an experience unto itself, what with all these invisible gypsies lurking around the kitchen and Jamie leering at your plate at every meal. But I guarantee the results will be remarkable, and you’ll have a buddy for life.