What Insomniacs Do While Chasing Sleep

I’m not sure if the loud noise that woke me was in my dream or if Sparky the wonder cat was busy knocking my nail polish bottles into the bathroom sink again. I squinted at the clock and it glared back in a garish red LED glow – 3:00 a.m. on the button.

By nature I am a night owl. I have a theory that what time you were born determines if you are a morning or night person, and as a 3:10 a.m. baby, that makes me a functioning vampire.

Unfortunately, I have the added sleep issue that if you wake me from a deep sleep, regardless of the time, my body decides it’s time to stay awake and start the day (even if my vampire day only ended ninety minutes earlier). Fortunately, I also have the uncanny ability to then fall asleep ten minutes before my morning alarm goes off, regardless of what time it is set for. 

Like most insomniacs, I follow a pretty standard schedule: First I’ll spend a little while doing sleep math, checking the time and subtracting how much time I have left if I fall asleep within ten minutes of completing the equation. When I get tired of not being tired, I get up and check on Jordan and Jamie, zig-zag tiptoeing down the hallway to avoid all the creaky spots on the floor.

Next I’ll head down to the first floor and make sure all the doors are locked, then fold whatever load of laundry happens to be sitting in the dryer. Depending on my mood, I’ll either flip open the laptop and get a very early jump on my email, or I’ll flop down on the living room sofa, stare down our darkened street and let my mind wander and talk to itself until it gets tired of hearing itself babble.

What always makes me laugh is how far my mind wanders when given complete and absolute silence: I solve all the world’s problems, make lists of the million different things I want/need/wish I could do, remember all the things I’ve forgotten to do during my waking hours for the past day, compose entire book chapters in my head that I’ll never remember in the morning, give pretend interviews to Barbara Walters and Oprah regarding my best-selling book, or know the first things I would do after our family won the Lotto.

I know I have been up way too long when the eastern sky begins to slowly fade from the inky darkness to a backlit blue tinted pinkish orange. Morning twilight, the most beautiful and peaceful time, as birds slowly rise to meet the sun. I know the day that awaits me will require extra coffee, but it seems fair payment somehow to bear witness to the start of a new day.

Tired or not, I greet the morning sun and officially start my day. On my way up the stairs to wake my daughter, I make note that all of our family pets snore.  I need to remember to mention that to Oprah in my next interview.